This is only the appetiser. Enjoy!
HOLY HAND GRENADE - Script from Monty Python's "King Arthur and the Holy Grail" (a spoof and satire)
ARTHUR: Have we got bows?????: No
LAUNCELOT": We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade (singing) How does it, uh ... how does it work?
????: I know not my liege.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD: Armaments. Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty One.
BROTHER: And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bit, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats, and large .....
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First of all thou shalt take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'
ARTHUR: Right! One ... Two ... Five
????: Three, Sir.
The next exciting episode is "HOLIER THAN THOU", Chapter Two, Verses 22 to .......